Big happenings are in the works for this guy! I bought my one-way plane ticket to NYC last night.
My second one-way plane ticket to NYC. I mean I bought a different one-way ticket almost four years ago that really just ended up being an extended vacation. Let’s talk about it.
It’s interesting because I was just doodling on my piano while I was surfing random stuff on the internet (looking up Louis C.K. bits. He is just a genius. I watched all of Season 3 of Louie on Netflix last night. He writes, directs, acts in and edits his show. He truly is a genius.) Anyway, I was just playing this random song and I realized it was kind of this airplane song, and a song about getting ready to move again.
The interesting thing is I got it all recorded, and I felt really good about it on the first time through! I usually just come up with the main theme for a song and then improvise the rest of it when I’m recording, so it’s really hard to duplicate it if it goes really well. I was getting ready to do some mixing and mastering when my computer froze. Before I’d saved it. And I had a mini-breakdown because I really loved how I’d recorded it and it was just gone.
So I had to record it again. I booted up the computer and recorded it over. I’d love to say, “It was actually better the second time around.” But I think I liked the first one more. But, such is life. It’s gone now. Lost to the ether from which it came.
But I still have the song. Altered slightly, but alive and beautiful all the same.
It is interesting. I still don’t really feel like my music comes from me, personally. I feel like it just flows through me. My entry on Genius explains this concept more in depth. I think things want to be created and we, as living creatures, have lots of different abilities and life experiences that allow us to bring into this reality those different things! But do I actually come up with the individual melodies, and how every finger moves? No. It doesn’t feel that way. And maybe the spirit of my “genius,” as the Romans saw it, is nothing more than a conscious expression of huge amounts of subconscious data built up over years and years of listening to music and playing it. Either way, it doesn’t feel like it’s me writing. It’s someone else. Or someTHING else.
But back to New York City. I first moved to New York City right after I met Devin almost 4 years ago. My dream all through college was to move to New York City and be a famous actor, composer, whatever. But then, as you may know from the site, or from knowing me, I was diagnosed with leukemia the last finals week of college and I had to postpone NYC until I was better.
So fast forward, 4.5 years of chemo later, I was finally done and “healthy.” I had just met the love of my life, but I had my plane ticket bought and I was moving. That summer proved to be one of the most anxious, depressed summers of my life. My body and brain were unhinging from the poisonous bath of chemotherapy it had drowned in the past few years, and for some reason I thought it would be a good idea to leave every stable thing–my family, friends, job, boyfriend–to live in one of the HARDEST cities in the country while my brain tried to rebalance itself to this new, non-chemo reality.
I realized that NYC was the perfectly wrong place for me. It’s a city of millions of striving people. Ambitious people. People willing to put off their present comfort and happiness in the service of a higher calling and future goals. But I had just spent 4.5 years in Salt Lake learning how to cut off that part of myself. How to live for THIS moment, because it could very well be my LAST moment. Learning how to try and bring joy to EVERY day. How to whittle away the parts of my life that made me sad, and concentrate on health in every moment. Physical and Mental.
Needless to say, it didn’t work out. I pulled the parachute after 4 months and came back to Salt Lake City to nurse my wounds, rehabilitate my happiness, and find my artist self again.
Now that I’m through it all–and I love my life now, and the person I’ve become, and the relationship I’ve built with my boyfriend–I’m SO grateful that it happened. I needed to move to NYC that summer and get kicked in the butt. I needed to know just how prepared–mentally, emotionally, and artistically–I would need to be to survive and thrive there.
So now, another four years later, I feel ready. Devin and I are going to give the city another shot. Whether it’s 2 years, 5 years, or 20 years this time, I really don’t know. But it’s something I need to do, and Devin has the itch to try his luck their now too.
So! I’ll be in Utah for the next month and half! Probably wont’ be able to post a song every week in March because our stuff, including my piano and computer, will be somewhere between SLC and NYC–but I’ll still get on an update everyone on New York. Finding an apartment, finding a job, and building a new life there.
And, of course, Sebastian will be with us too. Little guy! He’s gonna love the big city! So much to smell, and so little time!
See you next week!